grandma's apartment, neon lights summer evenings into sea green nights we'd float 'round in the swimming pool wake up in the morning under your own cool, cool gaze inside on the tile floor pre-adolescence left you wanting more I tried to bleach my hair with lemon juice wore down my sneakers with their laces loose brother broke his wrists on his roller blades he's cradling it still while my memory fades heaven's an ever-rising tide and every teenage secret you'd dare confide I fell asleep and dreamt of a home on a gulf coast beach, all alone but in the suburbs I learned how to fight stretched out on fields under dimming skies and at a neighbor town's fair, I felt so scared still jumped in the river through the hazy air watched light bulbs blur on carnival rides learned about losing friends and picking sides spent nights in basements getting drunk and rumbled around in someone's sedan's trunk as we drove to Union to watch the fireworks then got stared down by the Stewarts clerks heaven's a housing development and the quiet things that leave you content like watching Donnie Darko on the couch and playing old mixes while we drive around

saw you crying at the house show should've said something, I know it's like we barely know each other and we last talked months ago So I'll just check my phone count the minutes 'til I'll head home saw some old friends in the backyard smoking cigs and talking shit thought I'd stop by make some small talk try to catch up for a bit but I just looked for more beer acted like it's not weird to be here ran into some kids from high school late night at the grocery store we all knew to smile politely and the questions to reach for like, 'when did you get in?' and, 'how's your semester been?' I've been checked out of our small town since I left and grew apart didn't even put much effort into friendships at the start so now when I head back I realize that I've lost track I'm sorry if seeing me is strange I'm sorry if you think I've really changed I'm getting freaked out by the weird looks we exchange when I'm just trying to save face and get through the night I'm not sure where I stand in this scene I kind of feel like I'm kind of stuck between who I am and who I was at seventeen and I'm not sure which you'd prefer me to be saw you later at the house show comparing tats and making bets didn't have time to tell you something in the time between the sets it looked like you're okay we'll catch up another day I've been shirking explanations that I'm scared I'll have to make for why I never called or texted and why you think I'm super fake so I guess we'll just avoid the topics that get you annoyed your best friend said that you'd said some weird things to try to get us in a fight well I'm not trying to fix everything in one agro house show night it would be nice to make things right so you didn't have to hate me on sight I tried to think of how to survive anxious house shows, here's my thoughts: drink corona, practice self-love, and in the end smile a lot it's just for one night I'll make it through alright and if I see you one more time I'll tell you what's been on my mind: I'm sorry I couldn't be a better friend I'm sorry for the texts I didn't send I'm sorry that I maybe did pretend that I put more effort into staying close than I did I'm sorry for the hours that you'd spend up late with our friendship still to mend I'm sorry that I didn't apprehend that leaving here meant ditching you as well

I'll remember you at 16 your arms wrapped tight 'round me holding me back, fighting me back keeping the world from me 'cause at 16 you said you were on my team and shared hatred looked a hell of a lot like empathy 16 and all of your ferocity just acting like the threat that you thought you always had to be 'cause at 16 our chosen family was dealing with its giant shared of fucked dysfunctionalities 16 and not a day too late blowing all our time discussing things we hate at 16 I didn't want to wait because I thought that crashing young had always truly been my fate 16 your hate manifest in me your eyes went so soft with scared animosity how you'd derided what I'd grown to be so with your thoughts sunk deep in me I fell asleep, so angrily at 16 I wish I'd said don't worry you're just starting out at 16 I wish I'd said don't worry you're almost home I'm feeling real weird at the Brand New show and I feel like I'm fading but I doubt myself because I really now that I've been ghost-like as hell for the past four years and making myself hide home when I would rather be out here sitting on someone's couch and drinking their beer I wouldn't know what to say but at least I could feel near to other sweating friends, I feel like a thousand loose ends bundled in a nervous brain and a thousand bloated veins I am the memories that swell, of when you said I looked like hell because I couldn't fall asleep, well I am trying not to dwell so I'll text you late at night to let you know I've been alright 'cause I know that you get worried when I don't call and I don't write I'm not trying to pretend, I'm trying to be a better friend I'm thinking 'bout when you called me, and called me a dead-end I am a story half-told, I am a joke over-sold I am the absence when you're lonely, I am the wind when you are cold

cigarettes in the fishbowl, bottles in the swimming pool still fighting fights that you should've lost in high school still feels like you're 22 going on nothing the dog's barking while you're pulling on your work boots daydreaming 'bout the weeds and their taproots go down deep and maybe someday you'll get 'em girls waking up on the couches under a warm sun you heard that lying keeps you young I guess you've always been too truthful you ain't got enough in your gas tank or your ATM remember when the rules would bend, just 'cause you were young and hopeful? I've heard the ghosts in the subway halls say devils cry when angels fall I'm not answering your late night calls won't be a part of your next downfall days turn to nights but the nights still crawl spend all of them staring at your bedroom wall you can lie all you want but it won't change at all the city's so big and you're just damn small she said she wasn't angry but she still called you a bastard still got her silver necklace ridin' round your dashboard she went down south for school, guess you'll never see her there's oil slicks in the river, you still swam until the sunset who would've thought that your future was your biggest threat close your eyes, and dream of California boys waking in the morning under a hard sun you heard that resting keeps you young guess you've always been too focused you heard about the devil and the sinner and the world to come but the preacher's words just left you numb so you kept on making ends meet you asked me what I thought our lives would bring in the next few years well I know I've got a lot of fears I hope I don't only have fears so I dreamt about a road trip and a new state and the setting sun and I realized when that dream was done that I'm worried 'bout the end to come I know I'm not perfect but I think I try to try my best so when the world calls me down to rest I'll know that I fought my hardest

don't hang your head, love don't let the winter get you down I know it's been awhile since you've had me around just know two hours on a northbound train keep us apart I've been hardworking trying to make something that's good and when it's finished we can do the things we should like catch an airplane to a faraway state and start anew I know it's right, I know it's true I know I made it just for you I know I'm hanging all my hope on it pulling through I know it hurts, I know it's hard to sit out in your backyard and wonder what the years will bring us to don't hang your head, love don't let your worries make you fear you're always on my mind even when you're not right here just know I hear you in every song I write up late at night when you're 100 miles away I keep daydreaming and then counting down the days 'til we lie awake in bed and make some wild plans it'll go as planned the days are tough, the nights are long each day I'm worried I'll go wrong but as I say it in this song your hope can keep me true I know we're young, I know we're scared I know all the signs just say beware but we're taking extra care to get us through I know you hope, I know you wait that's why I'm telling you this straight in any way at any rate you can count on me too so when you sleep and rest your head remember all the things I've said about our winding road ahead That I will travel with you

a note, a dream, a single glove and five more things to get rid of a scar, a fight, a hole in time you know you're always on my mind I've been sleeping on the floor you've been on my mind a whole hell I drove slow past the frozen lake my throat ached but I kept my face straight I've caused harm, made no amends passed my classes but failed some friends I've spent this term half-awake 'cause I've got some habits I can't shake like not saying what I'm worried about not getting help but lashing out and watching TV all night long while I sit and drink and write these songs if I lose my way tonight your mama will say she was right return my bones to their upstate home and whisper all your favorite poems whisper, 'hang 'em low' I've seen you driving 'round, dark glasses on taking dirt turns fast a bit past dawn playing records with your eyes shut tight and drinking coffee straight through the night your ashtray's full, your head still hurts it seems you just can't find the words to speak a painful hidden truth you watched the trees sway from the roof I ain't seen you sleep in three days you're looking calm but I don't know how eating berries while you watch the sun rise I can see resignation in your eyes you said the forest breathes while we all sleep a placid rhythm, slow and deep in a tone only the hurting know a mournful song, sweet and low

I've been fighting with some demons and trying to find more meaning from years I spent resenting a lonesome upstate town I think I'm maybe getting past the things that made me ask who I am and who I've been and what I'm doing with my life I grew my beard and cut my hair short, dreamt of driving to the airport I'd move to Arizona just drop out and get a job I take hot showers when I can't sleep hoping they might cleanse me of all the things that kill me anxieties unnamed I stay up late and don't get out much seclusion was my main crutch think I'm getting better if I can realize I can change so if you think that I've changed then I've changed and if you think I'm getting different then okay 'cause I've been partying less and trying to practice self-love and do the things that aren't fun but they keep me safe still I guess it don't take much to get me fighting with some old friends sending petty texts while I'm glued down to this couch I kinda wish you'd lost my number and given back my t-shirt given up on friendship it's just a cry for help so when you ask how I've been what should I say it's hard to put all of this into nice words into 25 minutes in my car while I'm driving you home all alone I know that you were just trying to help but I can't help myself

there's a party outside but I guess that I lied when I said that I'd make an appearance I'll stay in bed for a while and just listen to Pile and Hop Along and read my old tumblr I'll text to say hey I'm not feeling great today so don't expect to see me this evening I'll fall asleep soon snugged up in my room as friends' voices come through the thin walls I've been hanging downtown hearing all the hushed sounds as I wander around on the commons I swear I'll see friends at the show If I can motivate to go instead staying in to half-do my homework well I worried for hours about things out of my power and thought about moving to Boston it started to rain I think I don't feel the same as I acted over a hot summer I spent all summer killing time and trying to turn off my mind by walking 90 minutes home, tracing the red line and buying comic hooks and trying write some sick hooks as I watched the cars drive by on Cedar I got lost in Medford because my mental map blurred as I wandered around, looking for Tufts Somerville's a second home in an unfinished poem I've been working on in my head for a while now I felt real good most days and saw Joyce Manor play when they opened for Modern Baseball joined the crowd in the dark on the road next to fenway park and heard someone say the red sox were winning I had a song in my head when I went home to a big bed that I shared with two cats I was watching I read 'goodbye to all that' And dreamt up a new tat Of a bonfire, burnt down to its embers Somerville's a second home in an unfinished poem I've been working on in my head for a while now it ends happily just you and me in my old apartment, cars passing by so quietly